Wanna Become a Billionaire Like Bernie Madoff? Then Try These Top 10 Tricks

Money is the root of all happiness … ACTUALLY, IT’S NOT

SATIRE, SATIRE, SATIRE

Money is the root of all happiness … ACTUALLY, IT’S NOT

“Finally, an article that speaks to my deepest desires.” Another Free Stock Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels

“How do I make a billion bucks?!”

I got this question last week from a hobo.

Startled, I removed my noise-canceling headphones and politely replied, “What?”

After repeating himself, the hobo asked for money.

I declined but suggested he go to my church’s soup kitchen.

Feeling I’d done everything I could for the poor fellow I walked away pondering his question.

I had no answer at the time.

But, after returning home and thinking briefly, I opened my laptop.

After doing zero research, I created an exhaustive list of billionaire success steps, all doable without thought or effort.

This is EVERYTHING you need to become a Billionaire.

1. Save money

Simple, save money.

2. Stop buying unnecessary things

Don’t buy anything unless it is absolutely necessary for survival. Until you’re a billionaire, don’t you dare buy a single superfluous thing for yourself or others, especially your children.

3. Never spend a single cent

Pro tip: Never spend your money.

If you need food and you’re starving, consider trading or bartering the price down to nothing.

Worst-case scenario, you can always dumpster dive for food or storm a landfill and eat the mutated bugs. A dab of barbecue sauce goes a long way.

If you dislike rotten or spoiled food consider street-corner begging for money. It sometimes works (although it didn’t for the hobo I encountered).

4. Horde your money and bury it somewhere no one will ever find it

Do away with the temptation to spend your money by burying it in a briefcase in your backyard, or in a cemetery, or in a random field where cartels make deals and have money drops.

5. Work until you drop dead

If you want to still buy things and enjoy some of your terrible existence, consider never having a life and working over 90 hours a week. This is a sure path to misery and depression sure to foster a sense of hopelessness.

But don’t worry. You’ll become a money-making machine and eventually end up talking to a therapist after you’ve made your first million.

Working at a company in a soulless job you’re bad at and hate means you’ll become a friendless overlord who never wastes precious money-earning time doing things you love.

Remember, having a merciless boss who expects you to be his slave, is a bonus.

You’re setting yourself up for success.

6. Sell everything you own

Don’t overthink it.

When I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

After you sell everything, then make the money happen.

Stifle your day-to-day life by owning nothing, but then own five houses you’ll never live in in multiple locations around the world. They’re to be used strictly for meeting your hooker.

Also, indulge in ridiculous vacations and buy your kids everything they’ve ever said they wanted.

Don’t think, just do it! That’s the life.

7. Inherit from your dead rich relative

Whether it be from a rich uncle, aunt, grandparent, cousin, or parent, being in the will and inheriting a shit ton of cash is the royal road to billionaire riches.

8. Stop giving to charity

Don’t give to the poor.

In most cases the poor are lazy.

Follow my excellent example and don’t give money to those who ask.

The poor only want your hard-earned loot for drugs and because they’re all emotionally disturbed.

I know this. I’ve told you. I’ve done my research.

9. Stop buying birthday presents for friends and family

This is an easy one.

Just stop being generous altogether and your savings will skyrocket.

Want to buy your wife flowers? Think again, because that’s a good amount of money.

Want to pay for your grandmother’s surgery? I don’t think so.

Focus, you need to focus, and give up some things — and ask others to sacrifice — in order to become a shallow billionaire with no morals or values.

10. Bump off your spouse

The best and most effective way to become a billionaire (well not exactly) is to murder your spouse and receive the life insurance policy money.

You’re probably sick of looking at their ugly face leaving their peanut butter spoon by the edge of the sink instead of washing it immediately. We both know you hate how they fold their underwear and how they leave their toothbrush always out in the sink.

These things and more frustrate you, resulting in gritted teeth and TMJ.

It’s not hard to pull off this one, all you need is a step-by-step article. Check out How to Murder Your Spouse. See, I really have done all the research and thinking for you.

Warning: It’s illegal to murder your spouse.

And that’s it, folks. That’s the Top 10 Tricks to Become a Billionaire.

I hope you learned a thing or two.

I know I didn’t.

Buy Me a Coffee. I take mine black, just like my heart and soul. https://www.buymeacoffee.com/aaronmichaelthomas

Check out my other stories…

6 Reasons I’m Going to Start Writing Articles
Finally, Another Articlemedium.com

Wormwood’s Diary
"Readers are advised to remember that the devil is a liar." - C.S. Lewis from The Screwtape Lettersmedium.com