6 Reasons I’m Going to Start Writing Articles
Finally, Another Article
Satire
Finally, Another Article
People ask me all the time: When are you going to stop writing fiction and poetry and start writing soul-sucking articles with no new insights and bland overused content? When are you going to fold and start trying to focus on making it big and seeking more exposure on Medium?
I’ve never known how to answer and so I sought out the best professionals and seductive and corrupt lawyers and malpractitioners out there I could find and interviewed them, asking them about their mission and purpose in their dead-end, miserable lives.
So, here is a list of the 6 Reasons I’m Going to Start Writing Articles.
1. Money is everything.
Money is the source and summit of all happiness. One day, I want to be a millionaire and so the best way to do that is to sell out and start writing articles while having nothing to say or express. I don’t care about my pride or morals, or even my beliefs any longer.
We all know money satisfies every fiber of our beings, so why don’t we start when we’re young? Why not live our lives always working for ever-increasing funds that we can never spend? I enjoy a hookup or a quick porno to get me going sexually, but I never want to find true love and sacrifice my life for another.
I want to be friendless and never go out, never enjoying a drink with good friends founded on mutual respect and values. Why should I waste my life with relationships? Why not work until I hate my life as desperation and loneliness take over? Then I’ll drown my sorrows and loneliness with drugs and prostitutes.
Life is good on your own.
2. I hate my audience.
With every comment and clap, I despise my followers so I will do anything to force their hand and unfollow me. Friends and followers will only slow your greatness and momentum. Stop for no one. Do not stop even to smell the flowers, who even needs a sense of smell anymore? Virtual Reality is the next best thing. Living your even faker life inside a billionaire’s tech fantasies and deep dark pleasures on an ever-increasing turbulence speed of bleakness really spices up your everyday routine and suffocates your moral compass.
I want to be focused on upsetting as many of my followers as possible in the process.
3. I want to destroy beauty and art.
Society must become a utilitarian state where no free thinker or truth maker can exist. Art breathes beauty and makes us think about the heavens bringing us into a profound encounter with our spirituality so why would I want to make others ponder the secrets of the universe: why we’re here or who we are? That’s ridiculous. I used to think that was a good and healthy life.
Filling my soul with wonders? Stupid. What a waste of time.
4. I want to be shallow and have no sense of worth or pride in my work and private life.
Having a sense of shallowness can really cut you off from everyone you hold dear and love. That’s why I am going to start writing articles because I want to become the greatest asshole known to man. I don’t even care about my self-worth. Who cares if I don’t take care of myself? I’ll be able to have no life and swim in my money, rich like an overweight sumo wrestler eating alone in his mansion of decadence.
I’ll explode on the Google pages and everyone will flock to my newsletter. I shall finally hold in my hands true power and freedom never spending it but stockpiling and selfishly filling my storehouses with unneeded material trash.
In my private life, I will never visit my aging parents or help my Grandma with her lawn. (Sorry, Granny you’ll have to find somebody else.)
5. I don’t just want to entertain my audience or give them engaging and thought-provoking stories, but instead feed them boring and uninteresting, clickbait articles.
Don’t you just love it when you’re scrolling through your feed and one of your friends suggests a lazy and already written article with no relevant information or impact on your empty life?
Doesn’t that just uplift your spirits and inspire you to greater heights? I know it doesn’t for me but others who don’t think for themselves and cloud their minds and souls with hours of porn and mindless entertainment won’t know the difference. (And they won’t read this article either.)
6. I hate my life and want to sabotage it.
Ultimately, I hate my existence. I enjoy it when things start to crumble and fall apart resulting in misery and shame. But I’ve learned to be shameless and enjoy a life not caring about my relationships. Empty of happiness and true joy, I will turn to any addiction that comes to mind and despair won’t be far.
And that’s all! I hope you can consider these options and understand my reasoning and conclusions to start writing terrible, flashy, as bland as white mayo bread sandwich, and ever-fleeting articles with no heart.
If you follow me you can get access to more articles like this one in the future:
How I Lead Others Astray (And How You Can Too!)
Why Are People So Dumb? (And You Aren’t)
And
Living Your Worst Life Possible
Buy Me a Coffee. I take mine black. But we both know you won’t anyway. https://www.buymeacoffee.com/aaronmichaelthomas